Four Years Later

Easter dinner good. 

Nice sunny day but cool.

Springtime coming. 

Very good.

Wrote something in a journal in the middle of the night last night which seemed very important but today it is only a few zig zaggily lines.

May 27, 2012 or so they say

Looking at a calender in wonder. Do the months have meaning? Rip the page there's the next one staring back at me. The picture there to distract. Today's world I click an arrow on some device but it is the same. Birthdays and appointments all jotted down, holidays predetermined.

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Alone. alone alone alone, alone. Did I mention....

Gifts

Some certain people have the unending need to take notice of my sleep: How much is he sleeping? What time did he go to bed? Oh my god look at him look at him look at him. I wonder what time he's gonna finally get up and what kind of witty remarks we will have?
These people are very kind to help me by letting me stay in their home when it's cold outside. Very cold.

Yet, it matters not that I've been working a thankless meaningless menial job for 12 hours and that I have driven another 90 minutes in the middle of the night in a vehicle that was so graciously sold to me at market value to arrive at a drafty house colder by multitudes in many ways than that car. The comments, disguised as trivial and good natured, are dropped like bombs from George Bush's jets on top the innocent and I am not allowed to comment on these sorts of perceptions lest I be thought childish and ungrateful and then it escalates like Viet Nam and my last allie lost.

Indeed after a recent 'vacation' the question has been put "Did I sleep all day?" Why no, of course not. In fact I was up at 6am every day for calisthenics.

If one doesn't follow the mindless circadian rhythms, awake at certain times of day asleep at others then that is only more evidence of weakness. Of poor habits. Of depressive unhealthiness.

I am willing to admit that I need help in fact I've been screaming for it for almost 50 years yet I find it much more readily available in the office of the professional than in the family member's home. 

Now, after 8 months outdoors I find myself with a lease in one hand and not much in the other. Just another few days until move-in. This time I'll make a good go despite all the unspoken cruelty. Just need to stay warm now for a little while. 

I love my family but I will tell you this, coldness often has little to do with the temperature.  This is a different kind of winter. The kind that does not end.

my head is itchy

Back from vacation. It was nice except for the unfortunate incident early in the week involving another vehicle. Despite that it was good to get away.
All manor of problems still exist and await their solutions.

I'm telling you right now that I will never give up the search for meaning in life. I'll go kicking and scratching until I find the elusive truth.

Maybe just maybe it is written in the night sky. The night sky that nobody can see anymore.
This was a good day because I tried to be right there in the moment. This is life happening right here right now as you read this.
Meds kicked in right on perfection.