I'm telling you right now that I will never give up the search for meaning in life. I'll go kicking and scratching until I find the elusive truth.

Maybe just maybe it is written in the night sky. The night sky that nobody can see anymore.
This was a good day because I tried to be right there in the moment. This is life happening right here right now as you read this.
Meds kicked in right on perfection.

duller

I'm sitting here with my TV remote, half a bottle of Gatorade and the wrappers from two Reese's cups with a dull headache that I attribute to caffeine withdrawal. Often I do not drink a cup of coffee unless I'm working because I only want to sleep all day anyway. The Oscar's are on one channel and the Bruins another. The B's have been playing well lately and they're in a good tight game with Edmonton ahead 3-2 and seven minutes left in the third. And like I said the Oscar's are playing out as well, I have watched over and hour and seen a bunch of the awards announced and given out by famous actors and actresses and right now I couldn't tell you who any of them are or were. Well, Scarlett Johansson was on stage for a while I can tell you that for certain. 

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reminding me of the passage of yet another year since the last one. My headache a constant reminder of another wasted weekend (the Bruins won)

The world is too loud. My electric fan is dieing I think. Everything sucks. Cancel the whole thing. Can I have my money back? I should wash the dishes. I should wash my clothes. I should clean my house. I should get up at sunrise every day and walk miles and miles. None of this, these statements, should be taken to mean that I feel depressed at all. I'm really not depressed. I am scared and tired. And old. And dumb. I never give up. Never gave up. Never will do that. 

The child is grown, the dream is gone but seriously, nothing to be sad about here in my world. In fact it is both deeper and worse than sadness and less because there is nothing anyone can do about it, there's nothing to do. Some people are happy and that's good enough for me. It'd be selfish to feel otherwise.  

And dull is not exactly the word for the headache in my head, it's much much duller than dull and yet also less so. 

I'm just gonna go to bed and go to sleep and tomorrow I'll go to work and it will suck and I'll be poor and dumb. There's nothin' worse than being dumb. 

back in the

There were great financial miscalculations made these past days and we can easily expect at least one check to bounce maybe more. And, we have failed to keep track of our automobile insurance because we cannot, psychologically speaking, handle too many of life's little fucking details and for this we should fry in Hell for all eternity. At least our friends will all be there.

Monday began with morning prayers on the floor facing Fenway Park and then a quick 5K run with the dogs but soon the day took a turn toward insanity.
Every day it seems like I make another mistake at work whether it be some paperwork or just something stupid and it seems like the harder I try the worser it gets. Yesterday I locked myself out of my van and there was no way I was going to call work and tell them. They wouldn't have fired me, I don't think, but it would not have been good. A lot of people would have been saying mean and nasty things to your humble narrator. So, I decided to walk to an ATM and take out pretty much all of my money, eighty bucks, and call a locksmith.
After what seemed like an eternity standing out in the cold and feeling stupid a guy shows up, a Russian guy I think. He looked at my truck and in a thick accent said "I open for one hundred fifty dollars." I showed him my eighty bucks and after a short Russian pause he said okay I open for eighty.
Later I left my jacket in a nursing home in Chelsea. They're holding it for me at the third floor nursing station.
Still later on while backing out of a parking spot I was paying to much attention to the right side and hit a cement pole on the left. Not too bad, hardly noticeable.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. My eraser is worn down almost to the little metal piece.