I'm telling you right now that I will never give up the search for meaning in life. I'll go kicking and scratching until I find the elusive truth.

Maybe just maybe it is written in the night sky. The night sky that nobody can see anymore.
This was a good day because I tried to be right there in the moment. This is life happening right here right now as you read this.
Meds kicked in right on perfection.

duller

I'm sitting here with my TV remote, half a bottle of Gatorade and the wrappers from two Reese's cups with a dull headache that I attribute to caffeine withdrawal. Often I do not drink a cup of coffee unless I'm working because I only want to sleep all day anyway. The Oscar's are on one channel and the Bruins another. The B's have been playing well lately and they're in a good tight game with Edmonton ahead 3-2 and seven minutes left in the third. And like I said the Oscar's are playing out as well, I have watched over and hour and seen a bunch of the awards announced and given out by famous actors and actresses and right now I couldn't tell you who any of them are or were. Well, Scarlett Johansson was on stage for a while I can tell you that for certain. 

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reminding me of the passage of yet another year since the last one. My headache a constant reminder of another wasted weekend (the Bruins won)

The world is too loud. My electric fan is dieing I think. Everything sucks. Cancel the whole thing. Can I have my money back? I should wash the dishes. I should wash my clothes. I should clean my house. I should get up at sunrise every day and walk miles and miles. None of this, these statements, should be taken to mean that I feel depressed at all. I'm really not depressed. I am scared and tired. And old. And dumb. I never give up. Never gave up. Never will do that. 

The child is grown, the dream is gone but seriously, nothing to be sad about here in my world. In fact it is both deeper and worse than sadness and less because there is nothing anyone can do about it, there's nothing to do. Some people are happy and that's good enough for me. It'd be selfish to feel otherwise.  

And dull is not exactly the word for the headache in my head, it's much much duller than dull and yet also less so. 

I'm just gonna go to bed and go to sleep and tomorrow I'll go to work and it will suck and I'll be poor and dumb. There's nothin' worse than being dumb. 

back in the

There were great financial miscalculations made these past days and we can easily expect at least one check to bounce maybe more. And, we have failed to keep track of our automobile insurance because we cannot, psychologically speaking, handle too many of life's little fucking details and for this we should fry in Hell for all eternity. At least our friends will all be there.

Monday began with morning prayers on the floor facing Fenway Park and then a quick 5K run with the dogs but soon the day took a turn toward insanity.
Every day it seems like I make another mistake at work whether it be some paperwork or just something stupid and it seems like the harder I try the worser it gets. Yesterday I locked myself out of my van and there was no way I was going to call work and tell them. They wouldn't have fired me, I don't think, but it would not have been good. A lot of people would have been saying mean and nasty things to your humble narrator. So, I decided to walk to an ATM and take out pretty much all of my money, eighty bucks, and call a locksmith.
After what seemed like an eternity standing out in the cold and feeling stupid a guy shows up, a Russian guy I think. He looked at my truck and in a thick accent said "I open for one hundred fifty dollars." I showed him my eighty bucks and after a short Russian pause he said okay I open for eighty.
Later I left my jacket in a nursing home in Chelsea. They're holding it for me at the third floor nursing station.
Still later on while backing out of a parking spot I was paying to much attention to the right side and hit a cement pole on the left. Not too bad, hardly noticeable.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. My eraser is worn down almost to the little metal piece. 

tell me

Coincidentally I always end up with jobs that provide a strangely deep perspective on people's lives and I'm still not sure if I am the audience or the show.

This job is all about death. I show up with oxygen and suction and pain medication and the family is there and it's as if I represent something. The patient is too far gone, they hardly know anyone is at the door but the family smiles and says come in would you like a glass of water. Thank you, there is some paperwork for you to sign, Here and here. Initial here. And over here. Thank you. Well, if you have any other questions call the company at this number, it's all in the paperwork.

Sometimes they're mad at me as if I don't care about them. What took him so long? What kind of cruel world is this that we must sign paperwork at a time like this? How can this man know what we're going through?

The days when there is no equipment involved are easier. Driving and dropping meds here and there like Johnny Appleseed. 

Ricky Morphine. 

motive

If I could figure out what went wrong and when and why. I dunno, maybe it would help me feel better. Maybe I could fix what's wrong and maybe there's nothing wrong.

I was a little kid and all around was talk of a new age. There was a real feeling that we, the people, had finally figured it out. And though I was only a kid it felt like my generation. There was even a great song called that. Music was so important, no doubt it still is, but it was different. It saddens me that as time goes by there are fewer people to talk with about that music and those times. The history of pop music only goes back to somewhere around 1985 because anything before that is scary or worse, irrelevant.
I must say that it disturbs me that so very many seemingly otherwise intelligent people just sort of 'woke up' in 1983 watching Full House and Who's the Boss and listening to sanitized music as if it was real and that has set the tone for their lives. It works for them so why chase after that water, by now so far under the bridge. Some history has surely been erased. Do people know how close we came to kicking them in the ass? Indeed how delectably close we came to utopia. But greed took over and we lost it all and I digress as people often do.

So anyway I kept on getting up before dawn because there were newspapers to be delivered. Probably that's why I always like to sleep late now although dawn is a particularly beautiful time of day if one must be up and out and about.

They told me all I needed was love and I believed them. (later on they said hugs not drugs on bumper stickers which I found infuriating because it's so much easier to find drugs, but that's a rant for another day)

So now here we are and I go to work every weekday plus 2 Saturdays a month and it seems like I'll have to work for the rest of my life. 

new

It has been almost 24 years since I started a new job, not counting little shit here and there. The first week went by pretty well and good.
I think I could stay here for maybe two or three years whilst connecting the dots of life.

[Happy birthday to all those of whom it is]

old

Just got fired from work about an hour ago.
It hurts.
My car won't start I don't know why.
Keep putting money into it but it wants more.
I owe money to everybody.
Nobody hires people my age.
Nothing is funny anymore.
I've made a total mess of my life.
So now what?