Alone. alone alone alone, alone. Did I mention....

Gifts

Some certain people have the unending need to take notice of my sleep: How much is he sleeping? What time did he go to bed? Oh my god look at him look at him look at him. I wonder what time he's gonna finally get up and what kind of witty remarks we will have?
These people are very kind to help me by letting me stay in their home when it's cold outside. Very cold.

Yet, it matters not that I've been working a thankless meaningless menial job for 12 hours and that I have driven another 90 minutes in the middle of the night in a vehicle that was so graciously sold to me at market value to arrive at a drafty house colder by multitudes in many ways than that car. The comments, disguised as trivial and good natured, are dropped like bombs from George Bush's jets on top the innocent and I am not allowed to comment on these sorts of perceptions lest I be thought childish and ungrateful and then it escalates like Viet Nam and my last allie lost.

Indeed after a recent 'vacation' the question has been put "Did I sleep all day?" Why no, of course not. In fact I was up at 6am every day for calisthenics.

If one doesn't follow the mindless circadian rhythms, awake at certain times of day asleep at others then that is only more evidence of weakness. Of poor habits. Of depressive unhealthiness.

I am willing to admit that I need help in fact I've been screaming for it for almost 50 years yet I find it much more readily available in the office of the professional than in the family member's home. 

Now, after 8 months outdoors I find myself with a lease in one hand and not much in the other. Just another few days until move-in. This time I'll make a good go despite all the unspoken cruelty. Just need to stay warm now for a little while. 

I love my family but I will tell you this, coldness often has little to do with the temperature.  This is a different kind of winter. The kind that does not end.

my head is itchy

Back from vacation. It was nice except for the unfortunate incident early in the week involving another vehicle. Despite that it was good to get away.
All manor of problems still exist and await their solutions.

I'm telling you right now that I will never give up the search for meaning in life. I'll go kicking and scratching until I find the elusive truth.

Maybe just maybe it is written in the night sky. The night sky that nobody can see anymore.
This was a good day because I tried to be right there in the moment. This is life happening right here right now as you read this.
Meds kicked in right on perfection.

duller

I'm sitting here with my TV remote, half a bottle of Gatorade and the wrappers from two Reese's cups with a dull headache that I attribute to caffeine withdrawal. Often I do not drink a cup of coffee unless I'm working because I only want to sleep all day anyway. The Oscar's are on one channel and the Bruins another. The B's have been playing well lately and they're in a good tight game with Edmonton ahead 3-2 and seven minutes left in the third. And like I said the Oscar's are playing out as well, I have watched over and hour and seen a bunch of the awards announced and given out by famous actors and actresses and right now I couldn't tell you who any of them are or were. Well, Scarlett Johansson was on stage for a while I can tell you that for certain. 

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reminding me of the passage of yet another year since the last one. My headache a constant reminder of another wasted weekend (the Bruins won)

The world is too loud. My electric fan is dieing I think. Everything sucks. Cancel the whole thing. Can I have my money back? I should wash the dishes. I should wash my clothes. I should clean my house. I should get up at sunrise every day and walk miles and miles. None of this, these statements, should be taken to mean that I feel depressed at all. I'm really not depressed. I am scared and tired. And old. And dumb. I never give up. Never gave up. Never will do that. 

The child is grown, the dream is gone but seriously, nothing to be sad about here in my world. In fact it is both deeper and worse than sadness and less because there is nothing anyone can do about it, there's nothing to do. Some people are happy and that's good enough for me. It'd be selfish to feel otherwise.  

And dull is not exactly the word for the headache in my head, it's much much duller than dull and yet also less so. 

I'm just gonna go to bed and go to sleep and tomorrow I'll go to work and it will suck and I'll be poor and dumb. There's nothin' worse than being dumb. 

back in the

There were great financial miscalculations made these past days and we can easily expect at least one check to bounce maybe more. And, we have failed to keep track of our automobile insurance because we cannot, psychologically speaking, handle too many of life's little fucking details and for this we should fry in Hell for all eternity. At least our friends will all be there.

Monday began with morning prayers on the floor facing Fenway Park and then a quick 5K run with the dogs but soon the day took a turn toward insanity.
Every day it seems like I make another mistake at work whether it be some paperwork or just something stupid and it seems like the harder I try the worser it gets. Yesterday I locked myself out of my van and there was no way I was going to call work and tell them. They wouldn't have fired me, I don't think, but it would not have been good. A lot of people would have been saying mean and nasty things to your humble narrator. So, I decided to walk to an ATM and take out pretty much all of my money, eighty bucks, and call a locksmith.
After what seemed like an eternity standing out in the cold and feeling stupid a guy shows up, a Russian guy I think. He looked at my truck and in a thick accent said "I open for one hundred fifty dollars." I showed him my eighty bucks and after a short Russian pause he said okay I open for eighty.
Later I left my jacket in a nursing home in Chelsea. They're holding it for me at the third floor nursing station.
Still later on while backing out of a parking spot I was paying to much attention to the right side and hit a cement pole on the left. Not too bad, hardly noticeable.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. My eraser is worn down almost to the little metal piece. 

tell me

Coincidentally I always end up with jobs that provide a strangely deep perspective on people's lives and I'm still not sure if I am the audience or the show.

This job is all about death. I show up with oxygen and suction and pain medication and the family is there and it's as if I represent something. The patient is too far gone, they hardly know anyone is at the door but the family smiles and says come in would you like a glass of water. Thank you, there is some paperwork for you to sign, Here and here. Initial here. And over here. Thank you. Well, if you have any other questions call the company at this number, it's all in the paperwork.

Sometimes they're mad at me as if I don't care about them. What took him so long? What kind of cruel world is this that we must sign paperwork at a time like this? How can this man know what we're going through?

The days when there is no equipment involved are easier. Driving and dropping meds here and there like Johnny Appleseed. 

Ricky Morphine.