Four Years Later

Easter dinner good. 

Nice sunny day but cool.

Springtime coming. 

Very good.

Wrote something in a journal in the middle of the night last night which seemed very important but today it is only a few zig zaggily lines.

May 27, 2012 or so they say

Looking at a calender in wonder. Do the months have meaning? Rip the page there's the next one staring back at me. The picture there to distract. Today's world I click an arrow on some device but it is the same. Birthdays and appointments all jotted down, holidays predetermined.

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Alone. alone alone alone, alone. Did I mention....

Gifts

Some certain people have the unending need to take notice of my sleep: How much is he sleeping? What time did he go to bed? Oh my god look at him look at him look at him. I wonder what time he's gonna finally get up and what kind of witty remarks we will have?
These people are very kind to help me by letting me stay in their home when it's cold outside. Very cold.

Yet, it matters not that I've been working a thankless meaningless menial job for 12 hours and that I have driven another 90 minutes in the middle of the night in a vehicle that was so graciously sold to me at market value to arrive at a drafty house colder by multitudes in many ways than that car. The comments, disguised as trivial and good natured, are dropped like bombs from George Bush's jets on top the innocent and I am not allowed to comment on these sorts of perceptions lest I be thought childish and ungrateful and then it escalates like Viet Nam and my last allie lost.

Indeed after a recent 'vacation' the question has been put "Did I sleep all day?" Why no, of course not. In fact I was up at 6am every day for calisthenics.

If one doesn't follow the mindless circadian rhythms, awake at certain times of day asleep at others then that is only more evidence of weakness. Of poor habits. Of depressive unhealthiness.

I am willing to admit that I need help in fact I've been screaming for it for almost 50 years yet I find it much more readily available in the office of the professional than in the family member's home. 

Now, after 8 months outdoors I find myself with a lease in one hand and not much in the other. Just another few days until move-in. This time I'll make a good go despite all the unspoken cruelty. Just need to stay warm now for a little while. 

I love my family but I will tell you this, coldness often has little to do with the temperature.  This is a different kind of winter. The kind that does not end.

my head is itchy

Back from vacation. It was nice except for the unfortunate incident early in the week involving another vehicle. Despite that it was good to get away.
All manor of problems still exist and await their solutions.

I'm telling you right now that I will never give up the search for meaning in life. I'll go kicking and scratching until I find the elusive truth.

Maybe just maybe it is written in the night sky. The night sky that nobody can see anymore.
This was a good day because I tried to be right there in the moment. This is life happening right here right now as you read this.
Meds kicked in right on perfection.

duller

I'm sitting here with my TV remote, half a bottle of Gatorade and the wrappers from two Reese's cups with a dull headache that I attribute to caffeine withdrawal. Often I do not drink a cup of coffee unless I'm working because I only want to sleep all day anyway. The Oscar's are on one channel and the Bruins another. The B's have been playing well lately and they're in a good tight game with Edmonton ahead 3-2 and seven minutes left in the third. And like I said the Oscar's are playing out as well, I have watched over and hour and seen a bunch of the awards announced and given out by famous actors and actresses and right now I couldn't tell you who any of them are or were. Well, Scarlett Johansson was on stage for a while I can tell you that for certain. 

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reminding me of the passage of yet another year since the last one. My headache a constant reminder of another wasted weekend (the Bruins won)

The world is too loud. My electric fan is dieing I think. Everything sucks. Cancel the whole thing. Can I have my money back? I should wash the dishes. I should wash my clothes. I should clean my house. I should get up at sunrise every day and walk miles and miles. None of this, these statements, should be taken to mean that I feel depressed at all. I'm really not depressed. I am scared and tired. And old. And dumb. I never give up. Never gave up. Never will do that. 

The child is grown, the dream is gone but seriously, nothing to be sad about here in my world. In fact it is both deeper and worse than sadness and less because there is nothing anyone can do about it, there's nothing to do. Some people are happy and that's good enough for me. It'd be selfish to feel otherwise.  

And dull is not exactly the word for the headache in my head, it's much much duller than dull and yet also less so. 

I'm just gonna go to bed and go to sleep and tomorrow I'll go to work and it will suck and I'll be poor and dumb. There's nothin' worse than being dumb. 

back in the

There were great financial miscalculations made these past days and we can easily expect at least one check to bounce maybe more. And, we have failed to keep track of our automobile insurance because we cannot, psychologically speaking, handle too many of life's little fucking details and for this we should fry in Hell for all eternity. At least our friends will all be there.

Monday began with morning prayers on the floor facing Fenway Park and then a quick 5K run with the dogs but soon the day took a turn toward insanity.
Every day it seems like I make another mistake at work whether it be some paperwork or just something stupid and it seems like the harder I try the worser it gets. Yesterday I locked myself out of my van and there was no way I was going to call work and tell them. They wouldn't have fired me, I don't think, but it would not have been good. A lot of people would have been saying mean and nasty things to your humble narrator. So, I decided to walk to an ATM and take out pretty much all of my money, eighty bucks, and call a locksmith.
After what seemed like an eternity standing out in the cold and feeling stupid a guy shows up, a Russian guy I think. He looked at my truck and in a thick accent said "I open for one hundred fifty dollars." I showed him my eighty bucks and after a short Russian pause he said okay I open for eighty.
Later I left my jacket in a nursing home in Chelsea. They're holding it for me at the third floor nursing station.
Still later on while backing out of a parking spot I was paying to much attention to the right side and hit a cement pole on the left. Not too bad, hardly noticeable.
Everybody makes mistakes. That's why pencils have erasers. My eraser is worn down almost to the little metal piece. 

tell me

Coincidentally I always end up with jobs that provide a strangely deep perspective on people's lives and I'm still not sure if I am the audience or the show.

This job is all about death. I show up with oxygen and suction and pain medication and the family is there and it's as if I represent something. The patient is too far gone, they hardly know anyone is at the door but the family smiles and says come in would you like a glass of water. Thank you, there is some paperwork for you to sign, Here and here. Initial here. And over here. Thank you. Well, if you have any other questions call the company at this number, it's all in the paperwork.

Sometimes they're mad at me as if I don't care about them. What took him so long? What kind of cruel world is this that we must sign paperwork at a time like this? How can this man know what we're going through?

The days when there is no equipment involved are easier. Driving and dropping meds here and there like Johnny Appleseed. 

Ricky Morphine. 

motive

If I could figure out what went wrong and when and why. I dunno, maybe it would help me feel better. Maybe I could fix what's wrong and maybe there's nothing wrong.

I was a little kid and all around was talk of a new age. There was a real feeling that we, the people, had finally figured it out. And though I was only a kid it felt like my generation. There was even a great song called that. Music was so important, no doubt it still is, but it was different. It saddens me that as time goes by there are fewer people to talk with about that music and those times. The history of pop music only goes back to somewhere around 1985 because anything before that is scary or worse, irrelevant.
I must say that it disturbs me that so very many seemingly otherwise intelligent people just sort of 'woke up' in 1983 watching Full House and Who's the Boss and listening to sanitized music as if it was real and that has set the tone for their lives. It works for them so why chase after that water, by now so far under the bridge. Some history has surely been erased. Do people know how close we came to kicking them in the ass? Indeed how delectably close we came to utopia. But greed took over and we lost it all and I digress as people often do.

So anyway I kept on getting up before dawn because there were newspapers to be delivered. Probably that's why I always like to sleep late now although dawn is a particularly beautiful time of day if one must be up and out and about.

They told me all I needed was love and I believed them. (later on they said hugs not drugs on bumper stickers which I found infuriating because it's so much easier to find drugs, but that's a rant for another day)

So now here we are and I go to work every weekday plus 2 Saturdays a month and it seems like I'll have to work for the rest of my life. 

new

It has been almost 24 years since I started a new job, not counting little shit here and there. The first week went by pretty well and good.
I think I could stay here for maybe two or three years whilst connecting the dots of life.

[Happy birthday to all those of whom it is]

old

Just got fired from work about an hour ago.
It hurts.
My car won't start I don't know why.
Keep putting money into it but it wants more.
I owe money to everybody.
Nobody hires people my age.
Nothing is funny anymore.
I've made a total mess of my life.
So now what?

rosies

Drove a Nigerian dude to the airport and he was concerned about all the extra security thanks to Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The guy made me wait over a half hour so I tacked on some waiting time, good thing too because he apparently never heard of tipping.

Can you 'tack on waiting time' at your job? It's a good benefit you should try it.
Then there were two ladies at the mall headed to the Marriott. Their English was very good and I really thought they were British but they started speaking Russian so I asked them, "Is that Russian"? They said yes how did you know and you know you can tell by the sound and the rhythm and whatnot.
A lot of guys at work are picking up second jobs. One guy started delivering pizza. I might have to make a move like that or pick up more hours.

mmx

Your humble narrator did dispatch New Year's Eve and it was statistically and otherwise the busiest night of the year. Emotionally draining as that was we (I) returned Friday night to drive. Only did five runs, the first was a woman of about 35 años who was heading to a friends apartment to play Uno and drink beers.

So, she asked to make a stop at the Green Apple which is a convenience store except that it is called Red Apple.
Lady, you mean Red Apple.
She likes green apples better and likes to call the store that too.
Next up was a man on his way to work at the main Post Office in Boston. He wasn't scheduled but apparently 60 people called in sick so he figured he could use the overtime.
Then my next ride was a girl visiting her boyfriend who is shipping out in a few days to fight the, ummm, who are we fighting this time? Oh yeah the ones who believe in that other invisible man in the sky, not the real one. Right.
Got into a bit of a dispute with the next rider who thought I was charging him too much but flat rates are what they are and this ain't no swap meet. Guess he bought it, best tip of the night.
Lastly but not leastly: a couple headed out for a couple cold ones to ring in the new year. Again.
Anyway, it was very nice chatting and I'll try harder next time.

favorable

Picked up the lady going to the airport. She got three words out before I smiled and said "Minnesota!" Easiest accent to pick out on the planet.

Like so many others she is having trouble accepting Brett Farvre after routing against him so hard for so long. "Not to worry" I said, "That bag of bones will break down like last year and you won't even make the playoffs."
Later I drove Laura home from Chili's. Seems like she works doubles every day. Triples even (do they have triples?)
Then I helped some old bag lug groceries up 3 floors. Well, there was an elevator, but still. The look on her face when I grabbed all the bags at once was priceless. It probably took her seven hours and three quarters of her social security check to buy the lot and I grab it like its a sandwich (the plastic bags make it easy)

Drove a dude up to North Quincy and we got to talking a little and he asked me where I'm from so I said Sharon originally. Oh are you Jewish? No I was raised Protestant but I'm not really religious in fact I think I'm an atheist. He started getting upset and told me I shouldn't say that. Why not? Its a fun thing to say. What does he know for sure that I don't?
Lastly I grabbed a Brockton out of the T, a decent fellow, just missed his bus. Bad for him good for me.

still

Got home 'round three Thursday morning but couldn't quite sleep I don't know why. Finally got a few hours of bad sleep in the afternoon but had to go out and do some errands and stuff and then work. Home an hour now thinking about nothing old movie on.

Outside cold darkness another rush hour just starting people waking rubbing their eyes and scratching their privates. Highway will be jammed with broken heroes but it is the moment right before insanity.
That. Perfect. Moment.

I worked, drove for two hours and dispatched for three more. One fare, the dude was leaving from a trivia tournament where he felt like some people were cheating somehow.
I had to ask: Can I try? What was one of the questions?
So he thinks for a minute and he says okay then.............................. in the movie "Office Space" how many minimum 'pieces of flare' was Jennifer Aniston's character required to wear during her shift as a waitress? I said fifteen. I was right.
Then I had a Cotton Ave to the Moose Lodge. DAV to McCusker. Legal Seafood to the QAT.
Dispatched a total of maybe 5 calls. Went outside and had a smoke. Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead

Well anyway, after playing night dispatcher for 2 months its back in the saddle again and not a minute too soon. I don't recall a more selfish and childish group than some of the drivers we have around these days and I wont miss dealing with them. Time and time again they would pack up and go home without even asking, leaving me short to get killed when it got busy later in the night.
I felt just like a substitute teacher but without the power even to send them to the Principal's office. The last bunch were great guys and we had fun and we got the job done. I dunno, maybe its the times we're in. Everyone is on edge.
Tonight there were only a few local unremarkable runs because I'd spent most of the evening at rehearsal for a play that I am involved in. It is only a very small part but it continues to be a wonderful experience.

mai

Do ya ever feel like just a complete idiot? Me neither but last night I really screwed up by dispatching a good call to the wrong driver. The goal is to get an even amount of work for all the drivers. It's the measure of a good dispatcher.
Well, what happened is there was one dude who was whining all night even though I thought he was doing pretty well. Someone told me that he was livid about something I had said or done wrong and that word really got to me. How often does a person become livid? Jesus.
The word, that word bounced around in my brain for a while until, finally, I gave the big job to livid man instead of the driver who really deserved it, needed it to make a decent night.
I apologized and tried to explain myself but man when you're wrong you can't hide. I should be able to make things even over the next few nights.
I feel so damn bad. But the lesson here is, well, never feel bad.